Who Moved My Carbs?

Products That Have Changed My Life

2010-07-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

I know the title of this entry may sound a bit dramatic, but the following three products deserve the praise. Trust me.

The Wonder Hanger
My organizational dream has always been to hang every shirt I own. But before the Wonder Hanger came into my life I never had enough closet space to do that. Now you can open my closet and it looks like I barely hang any of my tops, but in reality I don’t have one t-shirt or top folded in a drawer. I do need to warn you not hang really heavy winter coats on the Wonder Hanger. Since it is made out of plastic, it will break. I have seen some that are made out of metal but haven't tried them yet…they may be even BETTER!

Space Bags
These are the plastic bags that you fill with clothes and bedding and suck out all the air with your vacuum. I have used these ever since my husband joined the Navy and we have moved from a three-bedroom townhouse to a studio apartment (400 sq ft) and then on to a two bedroom apartment. Since I never know how much storage we will have, I've had to become pretty savvy with space and these bags have been a savior! They range in size from a small travel size to giant cubes that allow for pillows and comforters. Oh and don’t forget to try the hanging bag version that you can use to hang winter coats or stick in your hanging bag for traveling!

Chi Flat Iron
This is the most recent addition to my “Life Changing Products” list. Over the July 4th weekend my step daughter came to visit and brought with her a Chi Flat Iron (hair straightener). I had seen these advertised before, but since they usually run $100, I never actually considered buying one. That was until I used it. I have naturally curly hair that is pretty darn thick and a pain in the ass to dry. My current hairdresser has even commented that the texture of my hair makes it very difficult to dry, therefore almost impossible to get straight without professional help. I have tried countless products, brushes and bought my own flat iron….none have worked….until now! My hair may never be curly again thanks to this miracle worker. In one swipe it makes my hair perfectly straight. And thanks to my spray-on heat protector, it is shiny too! Best $100 I have ever spent!

It Always Come “Back” to This

2010-07-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, three years ago I had back surgery. Yes, after suffering for over two months with a herniated disc (marriage and honeymoon included in that time), I had a laminectomy of my L-5 disc. The surgery was a “success” and I have been relatively pain-free since. I say “relatively” because to be honest, my back hurts everyday. I am always reminded that I have a bad back. I cannot walk or stand or even sit for a prolonged period of time without my back letting me know it isn’t happy. But as long as it wasn’t debilitating like it was three years ago, I have considered myself lucky. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized that daily pain doesn‘t make me lucky.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t been doing things to try to take care of my back. After studying for my personal training certification I learned that tight hamstrings and hip flexors could lead to back pain. So I stretch both daily. I learned that different back supports would help, so I bought them. I even tried my hand a yoga and Pilates (short attempts, but attempts nonetheless). I thought I was doing everything I could. The surgeon who had worked on my back said that I had degenerative discs and that I would battle back pain all my life. I accepted this as the truth and just tied to minimize the pain.

But six weeks ago I left my kickboxing class with a familiar pain shooting down my leg. And when I awoke the next morning and couldn’t get myself to stand upright, I knew I was in trouble. “Here we go again,” I thought as I began the slow, painful process of trying to get help for my back.

I know the process well. It begins with a trip to your general doctor who will give you muscle relaxes and pain meds. Some docs will give you steroids to help with the inflammation, others won’t. After about two weeks of being in acute pain, you return to your general doctor and he/she will then send you to physical therapy.

Nine times out of ten physical therapy is a waste of time. Each visit you spend an hour receiving heat therapy and electrical stimulation and are sent home to do some stretching exercises. This can go on for weeks and if it works, you’re cured! If it doesn’t, you go back to your general doctor and it is MRI time. By now it has been about 6-8 weeks and you don’t need a damn MRI to tell you that you have a herniated disc, but you wait for it to be confirmed anyway.

This is where an orthopedic specialist comes in. He or she will review your MRI, take some x-rays and tell you that you have two options: surgery or cortisone shots. Ironically, during all of this time, no one is trying to figure out why this has happened, they are just trying to find a way to stop the pain and avoid nerve damage.

Three years ago I chose surgery. I didn’t want to spend another minute in that kind of pain and the shots were billed as a “short term” solution. What wasn’t really acknowledged was the surgery was a short term solution as well. Granted I got three years and not three months, but again it was like they were just putting a band aid on the problem and not trying to actually fix the problem.

So I decided this time it would be different. I would make it different. I bided my time in agonizing pain as a played the game with the doctor and his pain meds, anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxers. But anytime my back was good enough for me to sit (sometimes I actually knelt) at the computer I was researching back problems, trying to find a different approach. Having recently moved to California, I was hopeful I could find some new approach or “new age” help. I love the Midwest, but progressive in alternative medicine it is not.

Eventually I found what I was looking for…someone with a different approach to back problems. I found a website for a physical therapist who combines the practice of physical therapy with yoga. When I read about her approach I knew I hit pay dirt! Finally someone was pulling information and practices from different disciplines to find a way to not only align the spine, but teach the patient to keep their body in alignment.

I’ve had three visits with my new physical therapist. At the first visit she discovered that my right leg is almost an inch shorter than my left and that I have a week core (which I knew). She said that my spine needed to be decompressed to relieve the acute pain and she showed me how do this with extremely simple moves. I was also referred to a foot doctor to get orthodics to help with my length discrepancy. Within 24 hours the severe pain was gone and I could put on my sock and shoes without having to lay on the bed.

After three weeks of treatment I am back to my normal daily routine and workouts. This isn’t to say that I’ve been pain-free, I still have my moments. But what makes me happy is that my therapist hasn’t stopped searching for answers just because the acute pain is gone. She still spends an hour, one-on-one, working with me at each appointment and explains what my back is doing to cause me pain and how we are going to train it to move correctly. She also believes that correcting the height difference in my legs will make a huge impact on correcting my spine problem. She agrees that I may have degenerative discs, but that doesn’t mean I have to have a lifetime of chronic pain.

And I agree with her.

Yoga is a Four Letter Word

2010-05-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

Do I really need to say more?
But I will try again. Someday. Soon.

Promise.

The Activia Situation

2010-05-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to go back to trying some new things on the diet and exercise front. Since I have acquired a taste for yogurt (this took months), I thought I would try Activia since I tend to suffer from IBS and Jamie Lee Curtis raves about it how it “regulates” your digestive system in just 2 weeks.

I bought some Activia Light (Vanilla flavor) which has only 70 calories and I must say it tastes pretty good. But my problem isn’t with the taste. Actually it isn’t so much as MY problem as it is my husband’s problem. He has informed me that if I don’t stop eating it, he may move out for he cannot take another night “dealing” with the gaseous affect it has on my poor digestive system. The first night I thought he was bluffing, but after 4 nights straight, he has put is foot down and I am going back to my Light-n-Fit.

Trying Yoga tomorrow….pray for me.

The Racoon

2010-05-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.

Okay, maybe I am too embarrassed to admit that this indeed did happen and my husband is borderline crazy. Judge for yourself.

It was a Saturday night and we were driving home from having dinner with friends. We had met at the Old Town Mexican Cafe and unfortunately ingested way too much food. Knowing my propensity for “stomach problems”, my husband was moving quickly through traffic to get me home as soon as possible.

We were less than a mile from the bathroom when I noticed the car in front of us suddenly swerve as to avoid something in the road. I soon saw what was causing the calamity. A rather large raccoon had obviously been hit and was flopping around in the turn lane. Though I only saw it for a minute, I will admit it was a sad sight.

Unfortunately my husband saw the same painful look in Rocky’s eye and slammed on the brakes. In doing so, he spun the car so it faced the curb and the passenger side was in the direct path of oncoming traffic. Meaning I was in the direct path of oncoming traffic.

“Oh my god, that raccoon has been hit!” he screamed. “We have to help him!”

“Can we move the car off the road first?” I screamed back.

“No Laura, we can’t!! You move the f*cking car!”

And with that, he jumped out into traffic and ran to be by Rocky’s side.

“You stupid Mother---!” The profanities came quickly as I crawled over the gear shift (remember, I am 6 foot tall) and moved the car to the side of the road. Thankfully oncoming traffic had slowed enough for me to get to safety.

My husband, on the other hand, was crouching by the animal in the middle of the road. He kept looking over at me as if asking what he should do. He would look up with this helpless expression and then slowly stroke Rocky’s fur. Not in any mood to help at this point, I continued to shout creative and masterful expletives from the car. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the windows were rolled up so he heard none of it.

I was about to get out of the car and ask what the hell he was going to do with Rocky when I heard the sound of screeching tires. I looked up in time to see a pickup truck slam into the back of a car that had slowed to see why a crazy a man was in the middle of the street (I assume). The car was catapulted about a block before coming to rest on the shoulder. The pickup truck sped off leaving the accident in his wake.

So let’s recap, shall we? It is Saturday night, my husband is in the middle of a busy road with a now DEAD f*cking raccoon, and there has been a hit and run. Oh and did I mention that a Mexican Hat Dance was going on in my digestive system?

The cops were on the scene rather quickly. Come to find out the guy in the car had minor injuries and the paramedics had to be called. The traffic cop couldn’t understand why anyone would rush into the street to comfort a dead raccoon (my husband explained that the animal wasn’t dead when we arrived on ‘the scene’). And all the while my wonderful husband didn’t realize why I was mad or why I thought he caused the accident. Once we got home I made my feelings known, after I used the bathroom of course.

For the sake of our marriage, we no longer speak of this night. And if any of you see my husband and remember this tale, I ask you to do the same.

The Scenic Route

2010-03-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

I took the scenic route to the gym the other morning. I like taking this “back” way because it avoids the freeway and I get to drive along palm-tree-lined streets that wind around Mission Bay, past Sea World. It was like any other drive until I took the exit and wound my way down to the street where my gym is located. As I made my way down the loop, I glanced over at the wooded area at the edge of the road. There stood a homeless man (I assume by his appearance), facing the road, taking a piss. Yes, taking a piss. He was making no attempt to hide his actions, so I was lucky enough not only to see the rainbow of urine, but his penis as well. The “scenic route” now has a whole new meaning.

A Week of Firsts

2010-01-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

I made my very first Pot Roast with potatoes and vegetables. This may not sound like a big deal, but anyone who has ever lived with me knows my dinner usually consists of hot dogs and popcorn (all low fat, of course). According to Scott, it was edible.
I attended my first Turbokick class in over four years at a neighborhood gym. Oh my god I forgot how incredibly hard that damn class is. If you have seen any infomercial on it, do not be fooled at how much fun the participants seemed to be having. They are faking it…and probably died shortly after.
This morning was the first time I saw my breath in I don’t know how long (don’t yell at me my beloved Midwesterners).
This may sound weird, but bear with me. While driving to the gym the other morning, I passed a Home Depot. Near the driveway into the parking lot stood at least 25 men. At first I was confused, but then realized they were waiting to see if they could get picked up as a day laborer. I had never seen that in person, only on TV shows like CSI and Law and Order.
This week marked the first time I made a U-turn at a stoplight, and it was legal (California is weird).
I made a friend using the Internet. One of the things I have learned during the process of moving all over the country is how difficult it is to make friends as an adult, especially when you don’t work in an office. So I decided I would try the Internet and low behold it worked. I found myself a workout buddy and someone to help me find the best mall and a good hair salon (all very important things).

Laker Fan

2010-01-22T12:12:00.000-08:00

I realize I have been slacking when it comes to updating this blog. Part of me was being lazy and the other was a little embarrassed due to the Lifetime movie my life can be sometimes. But I’m over that now and am ready to get back to making fun of my life and the people in it.

And I think it is fitting to have my husband be my first victim.

Laker Fan
The other night we were watching the L.A. Laker game. We hate the Lakers (as most people do and should), so we like to watch and root against them. Since they were playing in L.A., the camera panned through the crowd showing some of the famous people in the stands (with captions, in case you didn‘t know who they were). We saw Adam Sandler, Jack Nickelson, and my personal favorite Leonardo DiCaprio. The last fan the cameraman showed was California’s First Lady, Maria Shriver.

“Maria Shriver, what was she in?” Scott asked.

“What?”

“What was Maria Shriver in? Was she in something I would have seen?” He asked with rising annoyance.

“Um, nothing. She is a reporter and a Kennedy and is married to Arnold Schwarzenegger, our governor,” I replied, giggling and shaking my head.

“Well excuse me for not keeping up with the Kennedys!”

“Dude, you just made the blog,” I smirked.

“No! Not the blog!”

Sorry honey.

Damn Funny

2009-10-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

So my mother and I just spent 5 days together in Reno. She had a conference for work so I tagged along for some mother-daughter time. One afternoon we were in the hotel room watching TV and a commercial for the new movie “Couples Retreat” (which is damn funny by the way) came on. It was a scene in which all the couples are supposed to strip down to their underwear but one of the characters admits to not wearing any underwear.

“Is that what you call Guantanamo?” Mom asked once the commercial was over.

“What?”

“When you don’t where underwear, what is that called?” She asked.

“Um, you mean commando?” I asked, starting to laugh.

I still haven’t stopped laughing.

CPR Class

2009-10-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

I have to maintain a CPR certification from the American Red Cross to be a certified personal trainer. So once a year I spend 4+ hours in a classroom rolling around on the floor with my classmates and Annie the dummy. And every year I am “pleasantly” surprised by what I see and hear in class.

This year’s observations/thoughts:

I’m not sure how comfortable I would be to receiving CPR from a woman with a lip ring
I’m not sure how comfortable I would be receiving CPR from anyone who has trouble passing the open book test required for certification
Females over the age of eight should not have hair down to their ass (except for Chrystal Gail)
I don’t think a 4 hour class really prepares me to save a life

Must Wear Socks

2009-09-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

This morning I had to be up early to meet a client for a workout. I knew I was going to be up before my husband so I had laid out my clothes and bag the night before. I try not to be too “cutesy” when it comes to my training clothes but I was feeling frisky (as my husband would say). So I picked out black capris, a hot pink top, and matching black/hot pink tennis shoes that I had snagged on clearance at Payless. Since the shoes are primarily black I think they look better without socks, so opted to go foot commando for the morning.

As I walked to the car I was surprised at how chilly it was (thankfully I had grabbed a hoodie), but figured I would be in and out of the car pretty quick, so I would survive. It’s amazing how wrong I can be sometimes.

I was about a mile or two away from the apartment when I first noticed the signs of trouble. The “TRAC OFF” warning light quietly came on which got me thinking that a trip to the auto shop was going to be in order that day. It wasn’t until the car completely stopped working that I realized I was totally screwed.

My car came to a rest on the shoulder of the road, which wasn’t easy considering I had lost power steering along the way. After the initial shock wore off, I dug out my phone to call for help. A wife’s first call is usually to her husband, but my hubby was in bed and without a car so I knew he would be as helpful as my mother who lives 3000 miles away (and who is always my first call when I am in trouble). So I pulled out my insurance card, verified that I had roadside assistance, made a call, and began the 45 minute wait for a tow truck. Yes, that was a 45 freaking minute wait. So there I sat alone in a car with no heat…in the northwest…in October…before sunrise…with no socks. Needless to say, I was unhappy on so many levels.

An hour later when the tow truck rolled up, hypothermia had set in and taken three toes on each foot. The pain I felt was equaled only to the boredom on the tow truck drivers face once he climbed down from the truck’s cab and began hooking my car up to the tow. His enthusiasm for his career became even more evident when it came time for me to ride with him to the repair shop. Upon arrival in the cab I was greeted by two things: heat (thankfully) and ACDC. Both were on full blast.

The truck ride was a short one and before long I had dropped off the car and was walking the remaining blocks home. Once again I was reminded of my poor clothing choices and why I never go commando…even in my shoes.

Fairs & Festivals

2009-09-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we went to the largest fair in the state of Washington, The Puyallup Fair (a.k.a. The Big Fantastic). I wasn’t sure what to expect from this two-week long affair that is held south of Seattle each year, but my husband was excited for the “fair food”. So I guess that is where I will begin.

The Food:
I have been to many fairs in my life, including church, city, county, and even a state. So I consider myself schooled in the culinary offerings that are available at these social gatherings. But then again, I have only gone to fairs in the Midwest…could the Northwest really be any different??

Well, yes, it can. The Puyallup was actually my second fair/festival that I attended this month. My first was Bremerton’s Annual Blackberry Festival which was pretty much what I expected…lots of food, music and booths, all coated in blackberries. So with two fairs under my belt I feel like I can honestly comment on the odd shit, I mean differences that I have encountered.

Elephant Ear—This is a giant piece of fried bread (resembling an ear?) covered in cinnamon and sugar
Teriyaki chicken and noodles—Who the hell eats Asian food at a fair? Slimy, slippery noodles do not seem like a great pick for fair food.
Cow chip—This may sound gross, but really this is just a giant chocolate chip cookie
Scones—I hate to repeat myself, but fair food? Really? A fucking scone? Maybe if we were in England and drinking tea.
Fried alligator on a stick—I assume this is self explanatory and my husband says it tastes like fishy chicken
Funnel cake toppings—I will admit that this is just a personal issue. I love funnel cakes. In my opinion they are a perfect food that does not need to be improved upon or added to. But these Northwesterners feel the need to slop on a bunch of crap (fruit), whipped cream, and flavored syrup. I guess I am just a purist at heart.

The People:
For the most part, I saw the same types of people at NW fairs as I have seen at Midwest fairs. For example, I spotted the “chippys” dressed in mini skirts and strappy sandals, love birds walking with thumbs in their honey’s back pockets, cowboys in boots and ten gallon hats, families with exhausted parents and sugar-fueled children, and teenagers…lots and lots of teenagers. I enjoyed the people watching, I must say.

The Rides
Okay, I got to be honest, I don’t trust fair rides. There is just something disarming about the fact that the ride that flips you upside-down was unloaded off a truck and constructed earlier that morning. But against my better judgment I was “encouraged” to ride these traveling death traps and lived to see another day. I really didn’t encounter any new or bizarre rides, but I will mention that if you have a bad neck, roller coasters and bumper cars are NOT suggested. Ouch.

Failure

2009-09-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

I couldn't even make it an entire week without stepping on the scale. I'm a disgrace.

Scaling back?

2009-09-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

I weigh myself everyday.

Yes, even after losing the weight and keeping it off for almost six years, I cannot stop myself from stepping on the scale each morning before breakfast. And I would love to say that the number that appears doesn’t affect my day, but sadly it does. The lower the number, that happier I am.

Self-proclaimed experts seem to disagree when it comes to the scale subject. Some say weighing oneself everyday helps keep the weight at bay; others believe that facing the scale daily can do psychological harm. So what is a girl to do?

I have been wondering if I could go a week without weighing myself and if it would help me or hinder? I have gone a week before without stepping on a scale, but that is when I was on a seven-day cruise where watching my weight wasn’t a priority, or even feasible. And I won’t even tell you how much I gained during that stint.

I want to take my focus off of food. I want to go a day and not calculate the calories in my head or on paper. I’m not sure if stepping OFF the scale can help me do that, but it is worth a try. So I will weigh myself one last time this Monday morning and then I will see how long I can last.

You Know You’re In Trouble When…

2009-09-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

You Know You’re In Trouble When…

An ambulance has to be called to your co-ed, slow-pitch softball game
You get a letter from the IRS and it is September
Instead of concrete your apartment management fills in the pool will rocks
You’re outside in August and you can see your breath
Your neighbor has to take down her doorbell because she kept getting pranked (someone ringing the bell and running away)
Your husband goes to the grocery store, unescorted, and returns with 6 frosted chocolate donuts, 8 giant cinnamon rolls, and an entire lemon cake
A 6’3 shortstop drills a line drive, hitting the pitcher in the knee, and you’re the pitcher

A Northwest Night Out

2009-09-01T17:30:00.001-07:00

My husband and I have explored a lot of the Northwest. We’ve gone to various restaurants, parks, baseball games, beaches, and even zoos. But we never could bring ourselves to explore the Northwest’s social scene. I’m not sure if it was laziness, lack of interest or a combination of both, but it took us almost two full years experience Kitsap County’s version of a “club.”

Since Scott and I spend most of our time at the gym on base it makes sense that we would eventually become friends with the gym employees. And this past weekend one of these employees invited us to her birthday celebration at a local bar and we felt compelled to go.

I knew we were in trouble when Nicole, the birthday girl, asked if I would wear a dress to her party. Apparently she was going to be sporting some hot new threads and didn’t want to be the only one looking like a cheap whore. I told her that I really didn’t have much of that kind of clothing anymore, but I would do my best. My “best” turned out to be my jean mini and a black V-neck.

When we pulled up outside the “club” I wasn’t sure what to expect. The Bistro looked more like a romantic Italian restaurant than the “it” place to dance. After being carded (thank you bouncer) we walked into what looked exactly like an Italian restaurant but with a dance floor in the middle of it. And though it was just 9 p.m. there was already a crowd of drunken women grinding to what I believe was the Humpty Dance.

And this is where this week’s Top Ten List come in….

Top Ten Things We Saw/Heard on Saturday Night:
10. A couple sporting cowboy hats and Wrangler shirts with snap buttons (unfortunately they were sitting at our table)
9. A herd of plus-size women in tube dresses equipped with corsets being pushed way beyond their limits (they all had flowers behind their ears as well, but that didn't distract from the obvious issue with their appearance)
8. A Ne-Yo look-a-like equipped with hat, suit jacket, and smooth dance moves
7. An Amazon-sized woman (taller than me and in heels) hump dancing a midget sized woman (shorter than Moosh)
6. An oddly dressed older gentleman making slow, deliberate laps around the dance floor, staring longingly at tube dress herd
5. An old couple in khakis and polos slowly walking through the Bistro, obviously they thought this was a romantic Italian restaurant
4. The white trash crowd reaction to Juvenile’s Back the Ass Up, enough said
3. Various large TV screens playing music videos …except for one playing the original Rocky movie
2. The look on my husband’s face when MIA’s song Paper Planes was played by the DJ
1. The waitress explaining how she can’t serve water to the table (we would have to go to the bar to get it) due to the threat of GHB (date rape drug)...that is what she said, I swear to God.

R.I.P.

2009-08-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

We’ve lost some legendary and famous people this week including Ted Kennedy and DJ AM. The tenants of Admiral Manor also suffered a tough loss this week…the pool.

A few weeks ago my husband came home from paying rent to tell me the pool (which had been locked up for over a month), was closed due to a leak that they couldn’t afford to fix. I was understandably upset since I was not only losing a place to catch Washington’s limited rays, but I was losing inspiration for this blog.

This week proved to be the final hurrah for the once great pool. Tuesday morning I was rocked, quite literally, by the sound and vibrations of a jackhammer. I looked out the window expecting to see a construction crew working on the side street, but was instead greeted by our building’s handyman using a jackhammer on the pool.

After further investigation I discovered not only the handyman plowing away at the concrete, but my neighbor, Mr. P, bailing the remaining water out of the pool with a small bucket better suited for a sandbox. Intrigued, I went to check the mail so I could get a better look at the situation. That is when I noticed Doc Holiday sitting in a lawn chair, smoking, and pealing off the privacy plastic that covered the fence surrounding the pool. Come to find out the management was giving residents a discount on rent if they helped with the pool demolition.

The next morning I was relieved to get notification from management that a professional crew would be coming in on Monday morning to fill the pool with concrete. I didn’t want Meth-head Mama driving a concrete truck or Doc Holiday working a blow torch.

The Power Outage

2009-08-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

When you live in a half-way-house (a.k.a. Admiral Manor Apartments), there are certain basic necessities that the sober folk must have to make it “one day at a time.” Such necessities include smokes, red bull, ramen noodles, public transportation, television, and rap music. The last two has something in common: they require electricity. So when the power went out at 5:30 on a Sunday night, I knew the “wagon” just got a little wobbly.

I was a little surprised when the T.V. suddenly went black. I thought we had blown a fuse or something because the kitchen light and microwave clock didn’t go off. But soon I knew it was more than just limited to our apartment. It took all of 45 seconds before the neighbors started hollering out their door.

“Hey, did anyone else lose power?”

“Uh, my T.V. just went off but my fridge is running!”

“My bathroom light works!”

“Oh I didn’t check my bathroom yet, I will go now!”

After about five minutes, the yelling died down. I had figured out that a hodge-podge of outlets had lost power throughout each apartment. It soon became apparent that those outlets were home to most of the television sets.

Soon doors began opening and I started hearing the pitter-patter of feet (or the dragging of flip flops). This was followed by the continuous flicking of cigarettes lighters and the smell of tobacco smoke wafting through my window. And that is when I started hearing the anxiety in their voices.

“How long you think it will be out?”

“The electric company has to come out and fix it tonight, right?”

“Man, what if we don’t have T.V. all night?”

This talking, pacing and smoking continued for the next three hours until the power was restored to all outlets in the complex. I didn’t hear much of what the neighbors said after that. I was too busy watching a movie on my television set. Instead of smoking and complaining, I pulled out the extension cord and plugged that TV into a working outlet. Duh.

A Softball First

2009-08-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have played softball on and off for about 14 years (which makes me feel rather old), so I have seen just about everything. Tonight, though, I had a first.

First, I will give you a little background for those of you who aren’t military types. On military bases they raise the American Flag at sunrise and sunset, no surprise there (they call this “Colours”). And when they raise the flag they play music over the loud speakers (National Anthem at sunrise, tune called “sunset” at, well, sunset). The cool thing is that when Colours occurs, everything outside on the base stops. If you’re driving, you stop. If you’re walking, you stop and stand at attention. It is very cool to watch.

So tonight we had a softball game that went into extra innings. With two outs, I stroke a single up the middle (because I rock). Our next batter bloops a can of corn into right field. As I am running to second base the music starts and Colours begins. The umpire yells “stop where you are” and everyone freezes, turns toward the sunset and stands at attention (non-military just stand with our arms at our sides). Once the song was over, play continued, and I took the last few steps to second base.

A total first for me. Love it.

--Oh and we lost the game because boys are stupid and throw the ball around when they should just hold it and call time out.

A Diet Update

2009-08-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

So it has been three weeks since I have been trying to eat “real” food and do away with processed nonsense. I am happy to say that I have lost 5 pounds and haven’t really felt too deprived.

I am a little disappointed in myself though. In the past when I try to watch what I eat I tend to get into gourmet ruts, eating the same thing day to day. And it looks like I have done it again. After exploring some organic options, I found a handful of things that I like and that is all I eat. No more exploration for me.

So I am on the hunt for some recipes that will expand my horizons. I mean, I don’t want to come home with a bushel of veggies that will just rot in my fridge. I have talked with some friends who are going to send me some of their favorites, so I am hopeful.

I also need to make a trip to Whole Foods, but the nearest one will involved a Ferry ride and a 40 minute walk. I could make a day of it, but making it a regular stop while I am here in Washington, doesn’t seem very realistic.

Okay, enough with the pity party. I can only do what I can do. I am pumped and will continue on!

Top Ten List Of The Week

2009-08-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

Laura’s Top Ten Lifetime Movies

10. Long Island Lolita (staring Alyssa Milano)—story of Amy Fischer who falls for Joey Butafucco and shoots his wife in the face.
9. No One Would Tell (staring Fred Savage and Candace Cameron Bure)—Fred and Candace star as high school sweethearts involved in an abusive relationship that their small town ignores until Candance turns up missing (um, she's dead).
8. Friends till the End (staring Jason London and Shannen Doherty)—Shannen befriends a seemingly innocent blonde who ends up trying to steal her life (boyfriend, band, etc.). The highlight (not) is that Shannen is the lead singer of a band and sings throughout.
7. A Face to Die For (staring Yasmine Bleeth)—Yasmine has a disfigured face and gets sent to jail for a crime her low-down hubby committed. But she gets amazing plastic surgery and becomes a stunning beauty hell bent of getting revenge!
6. If Someone Had Known (staring Kellie Martin, Ivan Sergei)—Typical abusive husband story well acted by Kellie Martin (dated the HIV-positive guy on the TV show Life Goes On...you know, the one with Corkey!)
5. She Woke Up Pregnant (staring Lynda Carter and Michele Greene)—A loyal housewife ends up pregnant even though her husband is infertile (the dentist drugged and impregnated her).
4. Co-Ed Call Girl (staring Tori Spelling)—Tori stars as a shy, co-ed who gets pulled into a world of high end call girls and eventually murder!
3. Dying to Belong (staring Sarah Chalke, Hilary Swank, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Jenna Von Oy)—Sorority drama featuring a fatal hazing incident (Six from old TV show Blossom falls off a building after trying to hang a banner) and the subsequent cover-up.
2. The Burning Bed (staring Farah Fawcet)— Originally a Made-for-TV movie that debuted on NBC. One of the first abusive husband story to make it to TV, this movie features Farah as an abused wife who sets her husband on fire while he sleeps.
1. Mother may I Sleep with Danger? (staring Tori Spelling)—Tori is a co-ed again in this movie, but this time she falls for a psycho boyfriend who tries to control her life and kills anyone in his way!

Funny Things I’ve Heard this Week

2009-08-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

"You’d better be careful or that prosecutor will throw another charge your way"
"Your right is on the right side of your right"
"I don’t want to play softball today, I want to stay home and have sex"
"I have had a long day, I’ve walked to the laundry room like four times"
"I’m not ready for the whole Bolivian Army"
"You’re upsetting my rabbit"

Tonight

2009-08-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

I played softball tonight in the rain and could see my breath. And let me remind you, it is August.

I have nothing more to say.

Swing the Damn Bat

2009-08-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I played my first game of co-ed softball tonight. It was a preseason game, which I think is silly and a waste of time. This isn’t Spring Training for Christ sake. Anyway, things went well and we won 13-7, but I am still a pissed off. Why? Because this is co-ed slow pitch so taking an ass load of pitches so you walk every time is fucking ridiculous.

We were trying a new lady on the mound tonight and the jackasses on the other team realized this and just took walk after walk after walk. And for anyone who has played slow pitch knows, you walk a man and he automatically takes second base and the following lady takes first. This process makes for a long inning. I would understand if our pitcher was throwing the ball over the backstop (which I have seen my step-sister do) or pulling a Rick Ankiel circa 2000, but they weren’t. The pitches were close enough to swing at, but they just kept the bat on their shoulder.

I take great joy in the fact that this strategy backfired. You gotta hit the ball to score the big runs, assholes. I also take joy in the fact that I came in as reliever and pitched two shutout innings.

Still got it, wa cha!!

Still Got It!

2009-08-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

Along with my new diet, I am supposed to be trying new things. So today I agreed to go with a new friend from the gym to a step aerobics class at a neighboring naval base (Bremerton’s base doesn’t offer step).

I have taken step classes in the past, so I was surprised to find I was nervous. My stomach actually hurt a little. What the hell did I have to be nervous about? I guess I just didn’t want to look like a fool in front of everyone in the class and my new friend. In the past I would have come up with some excuse to get out of going and somehow justified it in my head. I probably would have called my friend Moosh, she justifies everything for me. But I told myself I couldn’t do that, I had to go.

I am so glad I did because I kicked so much ass that I could have taught the damn thing. Okay, maybe I wasn’t that good, but I kept up and can’t wait to go back next week! So, in the immortal words of my friend Knepper, “Still got it!” (She would also add two air gunshots with a return to holster, but I won’t take it that far.)

Tomorrow I have my first softball game in 4ish years. We will see if that goes as well!

The Search

2009-08-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone has that one food item they can’t live without. For my husband it is bacon, my sister loves her Cheetos, and for me it is ice cream. So I have been searching for organic ice cream, not even knowing if there is such a thing. I haven’t found anything actually marked “organic”, but I couldn’t take the lack of ice cream any longer and finally gave in and bought something. It is called Haagen-Dazs “Five”. I bought it because it only has 5 ingredients (milk, cream, sugar, eggs, and vanilla beans); compared to 20+ that are found in some of my old, low-fat favorites. I wasn’t sure what it would taste like and if it would be worth the calories and fat, but I figured a pint wouldn’t kill me.

Oh my sweet Jesus! I forgot how good real ice cream tastes. I am so used to low-fat, fat-free, ice milk bullshit that I didn’t realize that I had deadened my taste buds. I have a feeling that this lesson will resonate throughout my organic eating experiment.

But there is one problem. Actually, it is my problem. I have no self control when it comes to portion sizes. I cannot have a bite of something and then put it away. I have to eat all of it. When I was a kid my dad would buy a pound of M&Ms and divide it evenly among the family (didn’t every family do this?). I was always amazed that my sister would ration her candy and make it last for almost a week! My portion wouldn’t last an hour, let alone a week. So having a pint of delicious ice cream sitting all alone in the freezer, calling to me, is going to be a challenge. I guess we will see how long it lasts!

Why?

2009-08-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

Why do people drag their feet when walking in flip flops? If you are so tired that you can’t pick your feet up, sit your ass down.

Why would someone put bullet hole stickers on the side of their truck? Is that supposed to be Gangsta? Wouldn’t it be more Gangsta to actually have bullet holes in the side of your truck? Should I grab some stickers and put them on my car? I got some old Care Bears ones or Scratch-n-Sniff perhaps?

Why would you install a door bell in an apartment that is less than 400 square feet? My neighbor, TB, installed her own doorbell the other day. Of course we can hear the damn thing in our apartment, but that isn’t my issue. My issue is to why she feels she needs a doorbell. I mean it is an apartment the size of a hotel room. Is her cough that loud she can’t hear the door? Does she get that many visitors?

Why does organic food have to be so hard to find? I currently have to shop at four stores just to create one day’s menu. I’m almost too exhausted to eat….almost.

Why did Grissom ever leave CSI? He was the glue that held that cast together…not digging Laurence Fishburne. He actually creeps me out a bit.

Top Ten List of the Week

2009-08-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things I Have Learned from Eating Organically Thus Far

10. I can live without 94% fat free popcorn
9. Non-instant rice takes way too long to cook
8. Greek Yogurt is indescribably disgusting
7. Drinking a ton of water really does make a difference (thank you 100+ degree heat)
6. I’m very rarely hungry
5. I miss ice cream
4. Plain organic yogurt is hard to find (too much fruit crap out there)
3. The US Navy’s Commissary (there version of a grocery store) isn’t conducive to an organic lifestyle
2. Eating out and eating organically do not go together very well
1. It may be working…down 3 lbs

News from the Neighborhood

2009-08-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

Fire Alarm
This morning I was startled by a piercing sound, the apartment complex’s fire alarm. When I stepped out the front door to see if there was indeed a fire (there wasn’t), I spotted TB running from her apartment. In her hands there were two things: her cat carrier (yes, she has a cat even though she is a smoking asthmatic) and a carton of cigarettes. When you have less than 30 seconds to grab everything you hold dear in life, you grab a cat and smokes. I love those priorities.

MH Momma Gets a Job
I overheard Meth-head Momma speaking with a woman who I think might have been her mother (same frosty blonde hair and unfortunate complexion) about her career prospects. When she told her mother the career she had chosen, I honestly snorted and had to pretend it was a cough. The recovering meth addict who is missing most of her teeth is considering dental hygienist school.

A New Character: Scary Dude
There has been a new character lurking around the corridors of our fabulous apartment building. We will just call him Scary Dude because, well, frankly he scares me. I am not sure exactly which unit he lives in, but he likes to visit TB.

A few weeks ago I passed Scary Dude on the steps and offered the polite “hi, how are you” greeting. He responded with “not so good, I’m trying to sell my movies,” and he held up his hand which was holding three VHS tapes. He looked at me with a mixture of hope and schizophrenia. Not wanting to know what kind of movies he had or what he would do when I said I wasn’t interested, I quickly smiled, took the steps two-by-two, and yelled “good luck with that!”

Days later, I got home and spotted Scary Dude sitting with TB outside her apartment (she has a little smoking bistro set up). He was dressed in a light orange three-piece suit circa 1977. As I rounded the corner and spotted the pair, TB was getting up and trying to unlock her door (yes, in this building, you lock your door, even if you are sitting right outside of it). There was a sense of annoyance and fear in her mannerisms. Scary Dude stood up, took a step toward her and said “well, I just want you to know that I care about you.” She opened the door, mumbled something, ran inside, and threw the deadbolt. I quickly decided that I wasn’t going to stick around to find out what the hell was going on and followed her lead.

Trial and Error

2009-07-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

So with this whole healthy eating BS, I have been trying new foods. I’ve had some success and some, well, read on.

Organic Greek yogurt:
Pros- None…or, I never have to eat it again
Cons- Tastes so bad I actually thought a dog had peed in my cup

Organic bread with seeds and crap:
Pros- Thick and yummy
Cons- More calories than I am used to for a piece of bread and takes so good I want to eat the whole loaf

Hormone free ground turkey (made into burgers):
Pros- Tastes good and easy to make on my Foreman grill
Cons- Made my husband hungry for a bacon double cheeseburger, which in turn looks a hell of a lot better than my weenie turkey burger

Paul Newman’s salad dressing
Pros- Good flavor and profits go to Paul Newman’s charity
Cons-Paul Newman is dead

Organic baby carrots
Pros-Taste like regular baby carrots
Cons-Taste like regular baby carrots

Will keep you updated as I try more!

Hot, Hot, Hot

2009-07-30T15:07:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I didn’t blog yesterday. I could blame the fact that my husband had the day off and distracted me. I could blame the fact that we ended up going to the zoo and the Cards game went 15 innings. But the truth is that it was just too fucking hot to form a thought, let alone a sentence. Yesterday, it was one hundred and three degrees in Bremerton, WA. Notice I spelled that one out? I thought a temperature like that deserved the extra words.

For those of you who don’t know, the Northwest isn’t known for heat…rain and chilly temps, yes, but not sweltering heat (therefore no a/c, not even in some public buildings!). I have spent the past two years “accepting” (work in progress) the fact it rains all the time (42.9 inches a year) and that I wear sweatshirts daily. So the fucking trade off should be that I don’t have to spend any night with cold washcloths on my face just trying to cool off enough to fall asleep. Needless to say, I am pissed.

The lone highlight of the rising temps is that the heat has quieted my neighbors. No hacking coughs or “deep” advice on the struggles of sobriety have been heard in the past 36 hours. Now that I think of it, should I check on them? They aren't old or my pets....hmmm....

Organic Day 1 and Baseball Fun

2009-07-28T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day trying to eat more organically…or as Jillian says “if it didn’t have a mother or grow from the ground, you don’t eat it!” This is going to suck the big one.

Breakfast was my only victory because I just had oatmeal with flax seeds, which I always eat. Lunch wasn’t so great because it is 97 degrees outside and the northwest doesn’t believe in air conditioning. There was no way I was going to use the stove or oven once I got home from the gym. So I had my turkey wrap, which wasn’t organic, meaning the turkey probably had more steroids in it than Barry Bonds. But it was the best I could do. Since I had technically cheated for lunch, I sucked it up and made organic pasta for dinner. Can’t tell you how it tasted, because I was in a heat-induced coma.

Ballgame
But I did have a great “last supper” while at the baseball game last night. I’m talking about a footlong hotdog and chips!! YUMMY! There was only one thing that threatened to ruin such a fabulous meal: the people sitting next to us. I was already pissed when the couple sat down because it was fucking hot and I wasn't looking forward to swapping sweat with strangers. But then I realized they were drunk, white trash, Blue Jay fans who felt the need to comment (loudly) on every play and every call (“come on Blue, get your eyes checked”).

In about the third inning, the female Blue Jay fan (Jayette?) decided to spread her drunken love beyond the fans in section 148. An usher was walking by our row peddling a trio of treats which he clearly announced, “licorice, ice cream, peanuts!” The Jayette yelled back at him, “I want a hot dog!”

After an uncomfortable silence during which the usher stared, dumbfounded, at the woman, he began walking up the steps to the mezzanine and responded with, “ma’am, I think you need to, eh, go back, um, up there for your damn hot...” And then he was gone. It took another two innings before the woman finally decided she would have to go get the hot dog herself. She was gone for four innings. She got lost.

The Neighbors

2009-07-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

Let’s meet my fabulous NW neighbors, shall we?
TB (a.k.a. Doc Holiday)
TB or Doc as my husbands calls her, moved in next to us and was given her nickname almost immediately upon arrival. She’s a smoker, obviously, and chooses to smoke outside her door. Being an ex-smoker, I totally understand not wanting to smoke inside and stank up your apartment and everything in it. So far, so good, right? WRONG! Apparently TB suffers from asthma and tends to cough when she smokes. But this isn’t a normal “smoker’s cough.” This cough is the loudest, juiciest, chunkiest and most penetrating noise I have ever heard. Even with our door locked, windows shut, and the TV on that cough makes it into our apartment. It is unbelievable, truly it is. About a month ago, TB went missing or what I thought was missing, but come to find out she was admitted to the hospital because she was having difficulty breathing. Shocker, I know.

Mr. Philosopher (a.k.a. Mr. P)
Mr. Philosopher lives two doors down and is a co-smoker with TB. So he stands out in front of our door and shouts a conversation over the coughing. Needless to say, we hear a lot of what he has to say. And his conversations are annoying as fuck. Apparently the philosopher has spent some time in rehab (Many of my neighbors have been to rehab, come to find out. Can you say halfway house? My hubby can find some classy places!). During his stint in rehab, Mr. P learned a lot about human nature and the nature of addiction. Therefore he feels the need to share this information, at length, with anyone who is unfortunate enough to listen.

Meth-head Momma (a.k.a. MH Momma)
MH Momma lives with Mr. P. and just recently had his baby. My husband and I first met her while she was standing outside, smoking. Yes, she was pregnant and smoking. MH Momma gets her nickname due to the condition of her teeth (or lack thereof) and her complexion. We recently found out the name of her baby boy: Junior.

Of course we have many more neighbors...you may meet them later.

Grocery Shopping

2009-07-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am so screwed.
My “triumphant” trip to the grocery store for real, organic food has left me feeling like a complete idiot. I wandered around that store, list in hand, feeling like I was in a foreign country. The best way to explain my total failure would be to show you the list I went into the store with compared to the list of what I purchased.

Here WAS my plan of action:
Organic Bread
Organic Oatmeal
Organic Yogurt
Organic meat
Cage Free Eggs
Organic Fruit
Organic Veggies
Organic Nuts

And this is what I came out with:
Almonds
Organic pasta and marinara sauce
Organic bread
Organic yogurt and Greek yogurt (Jillian’s idea)
Organic chicken and noodle soup
Raisins

Not sure how I am going to get three meals and two snacks a day out of that, but I will try. I think I will also have to try another grocery store and go in a little more prepared. I’m not sure why I thought great food and fabulous ideas were just going to fall into my basket. A plan should lessen the time I spend wondering around the store. I mean, you know you are in trouble when three different grocery workers ask you if you need help finding something. The meat counter lady wouldn’t give up and literally followed me all the way to the bakery department.

Recipes would be a good idea as well, but a heat wave has hit the Great Northwest and the idea of using an oven makes me sweat. Granted it is only 91 degrees in Bremerton today, but the lack of air conditioning combined with the 400 square foot box in which I live has made things uncomfortable to say the least. As if my white trash neighbors need a reason to walk around without their shirts, this heat has pushed them to the brink. And now the pool is closed, permanently! More on my fabulous neighbors later!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-07-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

I am 34 years old today! So I guess it’s poetic that I start writing this now. I’m not sure what this is going to turn out to be exactly, but I am excited to start the long list of things I have been putting off doing. I guess this is my cattle prod.

Speaking of cattle, one of my first priorities is related to my diet. To put it bluntly, I eat crap. Yes, I keep my calories low so I don’t gain weight, but I don’t eat “real” food. Don’t believe me? Take a look at a typical day:

Breakfast:
Instant oatmeal
2 pieces of low cal bread, toasted with honey

Snack 1:
Granola bar

Lunch:
Lowfat turkey sandwich
100 cal popcorn
Granola bar

Snack 2
100 cal snack pack

Dinner:
Lean cuisine dinner
Low fat ice cream sandwich

I told you…crap. But my crappy eating really doesn’t bother me. The excessive amount of exercising that I have to do in culmination with this crap diet is what bothers me. I currently do over an hour of cardio a day with alternating days of weight/resistance training. I rarely take a day off. And this is just to maintain my weight. And I have finally decided this is bullshit. There has to be a better way.

So I have been doing some research and with the help of a book by Jillian Michaels (yes, that Jillian), I have come up with a plan. It is time to eliminate fake food and start eating the real stuff. Sounds like a no-brainer for most people. But most people don’t hate fruits, vegetables, and fish. So this is going to be a challenge, to say the least. I am also supposed to eliminate soda…but that isn’t going to happen right away. I don’t think the state of Washington is prepared for that.

I usually don’t believe diet books or anything like that. I preach calorie in vs. calorie out. And for the most part, that is true. But when that stopped working, I knew there had to be more. So I am going to give this a try and see if it works and better yet, if I can do it. I don’t know if I can, but I go to the grocery store tomorrow to get my provisions and I start on Tuesday.